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Some call me the space cowboy... Actually, no one calls me that. Not least of all because I'm a lady. A proper lady, with ambitions and passion and lipstick. I'm brimming with love and scorn, courage and fear, hope and disappointment, alcohol and pathos. And I make great pancakes!

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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I Am A Goddess


Today, while riding my bicycle down the uneven sidewalk, next to a small highway crammed full of construction workers and traffic cones and deep, sharp-edged concrete trenches, I heard someone whistle. As in wolf whistle. Right as I passed by.

I didn't say anything. I understand primal lust. And what's more primal than a sweaty, puffing, frizzy-headed woman in no make-up, wearing a metallic blue cycle helmet, ancient cut off jeans and chipped toe polish? I was just relieved they were able to control themselves from pulling me from my bike and ravishing me right there in the dust.

I actually thought I was mistaken. They must be whistling at some blonde bombshell, just out of my range of vision, but there was no one around but me. Just to test the situation and decide whether I should be annoyed, or flattered, or both, I rode back the same way, two bags of groceries strung like scales, over each handlebar. I was especially attractive this time around, what with the humidity making sweat trickle down my back and the wind blowing my faded old t-shirt tight against my chest showing off my nasty, uni-boob producing sports bra at its very best.

As I neared the group of workers, standing around chatting while leaning on their instruments, they all fell silent and watched me pedal closer, cycling against the strong breeze, face red like a glowing, Martian moon. No one said anything. As I passed you could hear the gears churning beneath me.

I sighed with relief.

Just as I was almost out of earshot one of them shouted, "Nice ass!"

Working road construction must be pretty boring.


4 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

At least they didn't say,"Fat Ass." That's probably what I would hear!

Madame DeFarge said...

Maybe they can be hired out to boost flagging egos worldwide?

dogimo said...

"Nice ass!" is one of those exclamations that is almost never employed sarcastically. Despite the fact that with many similar constructions, it can be a real toss up. "Nice hat!" can be hard to know how to take. But "Nice ass!" is pretty much always on the level.

Of course, the way it is employed can often intimidate and marginalize the recipient. Can leave her feeling depersonalized, as if her worth can be summed up in her nice ass, as if a human being's manifold beauty can be reduced to a cute booty.

Anyway. I think the real concern with me telling people "Nice ass!" is intent. If I know the woman to know how she'd likely take it, and I believe she's going to like hearing that from me, that's one thing. But if the only thing I know about a woman is the first thing I can see, and if I don't have the first notion how she'd take it when I yell that out, then I can't say my intent is good. My intent isn't good, if I do that. I'm not concerned with her at all. She's just an opportunity for me to offer to the world a loud declaration of heterosexuality.

Man. All this sexy typing always gets me kind of hot and bothered. Sorry.

Anyway, I don't have any basis to gauge your ass on merit, Ko'K'halla, but I will say that I feel pretty confident telling you just based on what I do know: your mind has a nice ass.

Kola Kokahalla said...

Eva - That is true, at least it was on the compliment side of things, or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

Madame DeFarge - It could certainly be a great marketing ploy, yes. Give our self esteem a boost. So long as they're trained properly. No sarcasm. :)

Doggy - My mind's ass thanks you. I think the whole nice ass thing depends wholly on who said it and the context and tone. I mean the same two words from the right person are more than fine but from a random stranger I'm not so sure it didn't have hidden undertones of "Lay off of the donuts, lardy!" or something. I mean my ass is not my largest concern body image wise, it's a medium ass at best but one does question the legitimacy of one's ass when it gets called out by a guy with a pneumatic drill.