About Me
- Kola Kokahalla
- Some call me the space cowboy... Actually, no one calls me that. Not least of all because I'm a lady. A proper lady, with ambitions and passion and lipstick. I'm brimming with love and scorn, courage and fear, hope and disappointment, alcohol and pathos. And I make great pancakes!
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Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I Have A Dragon In Me
9:30 AM | Posted by
Kola Kokahalla |
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Or be pushed.
It's that no matter how bad some people in the world can be, there are others who cancel out the darkness by glowing white in the gloom. They hold you up, they fuel you with inspiration, they teach you to fight, to be strong, to conquer. They laugh with you when you succeed, they don't mind you soaking their shoulder when you don't.
That was a slightly poetic way of saying, someone from my past won't leave me alone. This person stalks me silently, whether it be in my dreams or my real, actual life. They show up in my email, uninvited like a cold breeze, spewing hate, using words which, while not actual threats, imply their menace. They turn up in other places too, in silent, non-direct but frighteningly sinister ways. They refuse to respect my right to live my life to the best of my abilities, without interference. And although I cheerfully, pep talk myself into a position of power, part of me, deep down in some secret part of my mind, worries too. About their intentions. Because this demon? This demon has proven itself capable of things I would never have thought possible.
I've gone through a lot of turmoil the last couple of years. A new town, a new home, new job, new challenges. And for every new victory there's been a hissing demon lurking in the shadows, eager to take it away. This is no imaginary demon, it's a real flesh and blood monster, a flicker from the past that won't disentangle itself from my soul. But I am determined. It is a powerless demon.
That was a slightly poetic way of saying, someone from my past won't leave me alone. This person stalks me silently, whether it be in my dreams or my real, actual life. They show up in my email, uninvited like a cold breeze, spewing hate, using words which, while not actual threats, imply their menace. They turn up in other places too, in silent, non-direct but frighteningly sinister ways. They refuse to respect my right to live my life to the best of my abilities, without interference. And although I cheerfully, pep talk myself into a position of power, part of me, deep down in some secret part of my mind, worries too. About their intentions. Because this demon? This demon has proven itself capable of things I would never have thought possible.
I always double check the doors at night. I screen my calls. I'm careful as a person can be, but they still find ways to get through.
But I am a woman not a mouse. I have a support system that is stronger than any fear, more elastic than any evil, more bountiful than any hate. I will not be pinned down and tortured by a far away entity, too cowardly to let me go. I am woman, hear me roar.
Or however that dumb saying goes.
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7 comments:
Whew. That's scary. Have you reported the stalking to the police? Is a restraining order appropriate? Stay safe!
I'm glad you have a strong support system - it's so critical at times likes these.(Can I offer a thought?)It may not be what you need right now or even ever, but knowing where the closest transition house or women's centre is to provide advocacy and legal support can be one more option available to help strengthen your system. Take care and do whatever you need to do to feel safe. Breathe fire AND roar if you have to.- G
Eva - As there's been no physical, in person stalking so far, I haven't. It's all been other means. But I absolutely will if I have to. Thank you!
Georgina - Oh yes, you are completely right! Luckily I also live with my boyfriend and he's enormously tall so that definitely helps me feel safe at home. :) I have researched legal support too just in case the worst happens and things get more personal. I appreciate your thoughts!
Helen Reddy would be proud.
:-)
Knowing what to do when you're down is a good insight.
Pearl
Pearl - Or at least pretending you do, helps. :) Thank you. From me and Helen.
The first part of this post is main-sequence. It made sunlight, for me. I need to reflect on it and appreciate it more, because it's true what you say - and not just true, but probably the single most true and important thing about life.
The second part made me furious, made me wish I could find some appropriate and positive outlet for my fury, such as taking it out any convenient patch of drywall. Using this dude's dumb and stupid head.
I mean, obviously that'll never work out. People like that like to stay hid, taking cowardly cracks at their targets from behind digital blinds.
Dang. The picture I paint of myself disturbs me. I am a pacifist, you know, but stuff like that is a real sore spot. As my dear ol' dad used to say, it really tightens my jaws.
Thanks Mr. Dogi! And you are correct, they stay hidden unless they have the power. And due to the circumstances of the past week, I have regained some of that power. In fact, he has no idea the power I now hold.
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